How to drive in Athens

  • Whenever possible, drive to your destination. Even if that is one block away from where you live, Your car needs the exercise.
  • When it comes to traffic lights, orange is simply another shade of green. Always accelerate upon seeing an orange light.
  • A car without an ashtray is almost as problematic as a car without a make- up mirror.
  • Never use both hands for driving. One hand should always be used to perform tasks such as drinking coffee, smoking, talking on the phone and gesturing to your friend on the passenger seat-because how else will you get your point across?
  • Honk whenever possible. This is how cars communicate with each other in the jungle that is known as ‘the center of Athens’.
  • If you see someone driving badly, say to the person on your immediate right ‘ it must be a woman’. If you are a woman yourself you must continue with a small speech about how sexist you consider this stereotype to be, only to contradict yourself by adding that despite that, from your experience with other female drivers it is probably not entirely unfounded.
  • If the weather is relatively good, keep your left elbow out of the window. It makes you look almost as cool as a taxi driver.
  • Morning commute is nothing but a daily excuse to vent your frustration on other drivers.
  • You can use bus lanes for as long as you want provided that you keep the turn signal on.
  • Never use the turn signal on any other occasion. Never reveal your intentions-take your enemies by surprise.
  • It is perfectly acceptable to have your car blocking one lane for the duration of time you need to buy a souvlaki. Take it slow. Stress is a killer.
  • When insulting a female driver, make sure you use gender-specific slurs to really piss her off.
  • Zebra crossings is just leftover paint on the asphalt
  • Any piece of land is a parking spot
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